Dear Dan : Advice From a Self-Made Man

After saving Brooke Sheilds from drowning, Dan “Spicoli” Snyder blew all his money buying the Redskins.  His many, many, many admirers can now FINALLY ask him their questions and get advice from the greatest self-made man EVER.

Dear Dan,
My team is currently on our own thirty, and it’s third and ten. What should we do?
- Jim in Landover, MD

Jim,
Ya know, that totally happened to my high school football team once. I remember this like it was yesterday. Well, the main dude got the ball from the fat dude, and then handed it to this guy that was running around, and then that dude handed it back to the main dude, and then the main dude pitched it off to this other dude, and then that dude threw it to the other dude far away and it was totally like TOUCHDOWN! I was like, “Holy Shit, dude! That’s pretty crazy!”
So, yeah. Do that.
- Dan

Dear Dan,
I’m a life long Redskins fan. My father raised me watching Redskins games, and I can remember the feeling of pride and satisfaction watching Joe Gibbs hoist that Lombardi Trophy in the air after our Superbowl wins. These last ten years have been trying for me.  I spend most of my weekends nervous and worried, and then most Sunday nights furious and dejected.  Mondays at work I can barely pick my head up because everyone knows I’m a die hard fan. What should I do?
- “Bleeding Burgundy” in NE D.C.

Look Man,
SHUT UP. I got this…
- Dan

Dear Dan,
I just got offered an absurd amount of money for a job that I’m not sure that I want. I took the job, but I’m worried that my arrival might cause some tension among my new co-workers. How should I handle it?
- Sherm in Ashburn, VA

Sherm,
Don’t sweat it, broski. You should totally march in there and make sure that everyone knows that you are there to make some serious waves. That’s the right thing to do. In fact, what’s your address? I’ll send a big bag of money to you right now. That outta show ‘em. Hell, works for me. In fact, take that money and put it on your living room floor. Then take your clothes off and roll around in it. I know! Pretty awesome, huh? It doesn’t take too long before I’m yelling “WHEEEEEE!” HA! Better than sex, right?
- Dan

Dear Dan,
I recently came into some money through an inheritance. Considering your success as a D.C. area philanthropist, I would value your opinion. What do you think I should do?
- “Nouveau Riche” in McLean, VA

Dude,
See, here’s the thing… poor people are stupid, man. I mean, it’s not their fault…but still. Shit, have you seen what I charge for an 18 oz. coke and still those mouth breathers are shelling out for it. HA! So the way I see it, you got two options. The first is to just send that money to us. I’ll forward you the address in Ashburn and shit, no sweat, man. Dude, we got lawyers and P.R. and shit like nobodies business. We’ll put that shit to good use for you, broski. The second would be to donate your seasons tickets to the Virginia Lottery. There is MAD MONEY in scratch offs, yo. Plus, they tell me it helps the schools and all that noise.
- Dan

Dear Dan,
I have house guests who I am glad to see, but it seems that their flight out of town has been delayed. and they will be staying two days later than I thought. Would I be rude in asking them to help contribute to groceries, etc.?
- Regina in Beltsville, MD

Regina,
Dude, you should totally charge the FUCK out of them, man. I mean, blah de blah, wah de wah, my flights been cancelled, waaaahhhh! Like, don’t even roll if you can’t get your own jet, ya know? Actually, the best thing to do would be to have your crew send them an invoice and let them handle it and shit, you know? Thats why you keep those dudes on the payroll, right? LOL . And make shit REAL uncomfortable for them. Cancel their turndown service. Switch them to the cheap champagne and shit, for realz. Disable their intercom and make them use a bell to ring for their man-servant. LOL! Point is, broski, you can’t give people an INCH. Because they take advantage and shit, ya know?
- Dan

Dear Dan,
I accidentally called my girlfriend by my ex-girlfriend’s name. What do I do?
- “Screwed” in Arlington, VA

Dude,
This kinda shit happens to everybody, man. Don’t sweat it. I fuck up all the time…I mean, lemme start over. Did you see Tom Cruise hanging out on the sidelines before the Lions game? I totally thought he was Jerry McGuire, I mean…he looks JUST LIKE HIM, right?! I was offerin’ him $20 million for the “Show Me the Money!” guy. It turns out that was a movie and that guy doesn’t even really play football. Fuckin’ bummer, man. That guy was fuckin’ sweet! So, see? If I can make a mistake, any old dumb ass can. Don’t fuckin’ worry about it. She’ll get over it.
- Dan

Dear Dan,
All my son does is watch football all day long and scream at the TV. What do I do?
- Marleen in Springfield, VA

Marleen,
I completely get what you’re saying. Maybe your son is disappointed because somebody spent, like, a cubic assload of MONEY on GUYS that are supposed to, like, fucking PRODUCE and shit, and they just DONT, ya know, like, they just fucking take ADVANTAGE of a guys GENEROSITY and shit, YOU KNOW, AND LIKE, MAYBE SOMEBODY GETS SICK OF THINGS BEING REALLY SHITTY ALL THE TIME. AND LIKE, YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS TOLD ME YOU WERE GONNA GET WINS. AND WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING SPENIDNG ALL THIS MONEY ON GUYS WHEN THEY DONT PRODUCE, AND FUCK YOU GUYS ANYWAY, YOU KNOW?
So…uh…yeah…that’s probably what your son is thinking…
- Dan

Dear Dan,
I don’t have a question, I just wanted to congratulate you on all the improvements you’ve made with the team. The Redskins have never looked better!
- Vinny C. in Ashburn, VA

Vin,
Thanks, broski! I mean, I hear that kinda shit ALL THE TIME, but I’m always down to hear it again, dude!
- Dan

Dear Dan,
I’m the coach of a struggling pee-wee football team. I was wondering if you could offer some insight to help get us back on the winning track. It’s been about 8 years now, and we just can’t seem to pull off those big wins that all the parents want, and they’re starting to get belligerent. Thanks!
- “Hopeful” in Columbia Pike, MD

Broski,
This one is totally easy. Ok, first thing you do is check out your talent. Do ya got some solid talent that you can do without? Get rid of ‘em. You gotta get the big names, man. That’s what the people want! Ask around and find that perfect kid that everyone is talkin’ about and go get him. Then everyone will be all like “did you hear they got so-and-so, we should totally go to that game” and shit. And when you come pullin’ up to the field in your new ride and that “I know what’s up” swagger, they’ll all totally respect your authority.
Ok, then you gotta start chargin’ out the ASS for drinks and shit at the water cooler. They won’t say shit if it’s like, a nickel or something. AND THAT’S WHERE YOU GET ‘EM. Next week, it’s a dime…see where I’m goin’ with this, broski? Sure, they might be pissed AT FIRST…but once they get a peek at your fresh new watch and shit, I mean…it’s totally instant respect.
Now if you seriously wanna go balls to the wall and guarantee those W’s, you just gotta bring in in a Hall of Famer. Cause, like everyone loves him and they’ll all be totally stoked that he’s around. Now, this clown’s gonna try to give you some “how to build a team” noise or “how to recruit players” bullshit. Fuck all that. You don’t have to listen to a damn thing he says. It’s all P.R., baby! Seriously, you can ride that wave for at least 5 years. While they’re all too busy worshiping that fool, they won’t even notice that the water cooler visit is now a quarter!
Swear to god dude, it’s brilliant. Totally works for me.
- Dan

Dear Dan,
I drive a beat up old Porsche. It looks nice, but it has 300,000 miles on it, breaks down every week, and can’t go that fast anymore. Should I give it to charity?
- Deion S. in Dallas

Dude,
A Porsche? For realz?! I’ll give you $10 million for it.
- Dan

Dear Dan,
I don’t think you understood me. The Porsche WAS great. A long time ago. Now it’s worn down and rusty.
- Deion S. in Dallas

Dude,
You drive a hard bargain, man. I’ll give you $20 million for the Porsche. Porsches are sweeeeet.
- Dan

Dear Dan,
The Porsche is a piece of shit.
- Deion S. in Dallas

Dude,
$40 million. Final offer.
- Dan

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