Outlook: Not Good

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“Fail to the Redskins” by The Ashburn Funeral Choir

It first appeared on the D.C. Sports Bog, SELL THE TEAM DAN™ brings you “Fail to the Redskins” by The Ashburn Funeral Choir.

As always, we FULLY SUPPORT THE TEAM.  This is by no means a critique of the players that we love, support and cheer for.  This song is 100% dedicated to Dan Snyder, the bane of our existence.

You can listen to it here, at SELL THE TEAM DAN™ AND if you’re on MySpace you can make it your profile song through OUR BRAND NEW MYSPACE!

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Dear Dan : Advice From a Self-Made Man

After saving Brooke Sheilds from drowning, Dan “Spicoli” Snyder blew all his money buying the Redskins.  His many, many, many admirers can now FINALLY ask him their questions and get advice from the greatest self-made man EVER.

Dear Dan,
My team is currently on our own thirty, and it’s third and ten. What should we do?
- Jim in Landover, MD

Jim,
Ya know, that totally happened to my high school football team once. I remember this like it was yesterday. Well, the main dude got the ball from the fat dude, and then handed it to this guy that was running around, and then that dude handed it back to the main dude, and then the main dude pitched it off to this other dude, and then that dude threw it to the other dude far away and it was totally like TOUCHDOWN! I was like, “Holy Shit, dude! That’s pretty crazy!”
So, yeah. Do that.
- Dan

Dear Dan,
I’m a life long Redskins fan. My father raised me watching Redskins games, and I can remember the feeling of pride and satisfaction watching Joe Gibbs hoist that Lombardi Trophy in the air after our Superbowl wins. These last ten years have been trying for me.  I spend most of my weekends nervous and worried, and then most Sunday nights furious and dejected.  Mondays at work I can barely pick my head up because everyone knows I’m a die hard fan. What should I do?
- “Bleeding Burgundy” in NE D.C.

Look Man,
SHUT UP. I got this…
- Dan

Dear Dan,
I just got offered an absurd amount of money for a job that I’m not sure that I want. I took the job, but I’m worried that my arrival might cause some tension among my new co-workers. How should I handle it?
- Sherm in Ashburn, VA

Sherm,
Don’t sweat it, broski. You should totally march in there and make sure that everyone knows that you are there to make some serious waves. That’s the right thing to do. In fact, what’s your address? I’ll send a big bag of money to you right now. That outta show ‘em. Hell, works for me. In fact, take that money and put it on your living room floor. Then take your clothes off and roll around in it. I know! Pretty awesome, huh? It doesn’t take too long before I’m yelling “WHEEEEEE!” HA! Better than sex, right?
- Dan

Dear Dan,
I recently came into some money through an inheritance. Considering your success as a D.C. area philanthropist, I would value your opinion. What do you think I should do?
- “Nouveau Riche” in McLean, VA

Dude,
See, here’s the thing… poor people are stupid, man. I mean, it’s not their fault…but still. Shit, have you seen what I charge for an 18 oz. coke and still those mouth breathers are shelling out for it. HA! So the way I see it, you got two options. The first is to just send that money to us. I’ll forward you the address in Ashburn and shit, no sweat, man. Dude, we got lawyers and P.R. and shit like nobodies business. We’ll put that shit to good use for you, broski. The second would be to donate your seasons tickets to the Virginia Lottery. There is MAD MONEY in scratch offs, yo. Plus, they tell me it helps the schools and all that noise.
- Dan

Dear Dan,
I have house guests who I am glad to see, but it seems that their flight out of town has been delayed. and they will be staying two days later than I thought. Would I be rude in asking them to help contribute to groceries, etc.?
- Regina in Beltsville, MD

Regina,
Dude, you should totally charge the FUCK out of them, man. I mean, blah de blah, wah de wah, my flights been cancelled, waaaahhhh! Like, don’t even roll if you can’t get your own jet, ya know? Actually, the best thing to do would be to have your crew send them an invoice and let them handle it and shit, you know? Thats why you keep those dudes on the payroll, right? LOL . And make shit REAL uncomfortable for them. Cancel their turndown service. Switch them to the cheap champagne and shit, for realz. Disable their intercom and make them use a bell to ring for their man-servant. LOL! Point is, broski, you can’t give people an INCH. Because they take advantage and shit, ya know?
- Dan

Dear Dan,
I accidentally called my girlfriend by my ex-girlfriend’s name. What do I do?
- “Screwed” in Arlington, VA

Dude,
This kinda shit happens to everybody, man. Don’t sweat it. I fuck up all the time…I mean, lemme start over. Did you see Tom Cruise hanging out on the sidelines before the Lions game? I totally thought he was Jerry McGuire, I mean…he looks JUST LIKE HIM, right?! I was offerin’ him $20 million for the “Show Me the Money!” guy. It turns out that was a movie and that guy doesn’t even really play football. Fuckin’ bummer, man. That guy was fuckin’ sweet! So, see? If I can make a mistake, any old dumb ass can. Don’t fuckin’ worry about it. She’ll get over it.
- Dan

Dear Dan,
All my son does is watch football all day long and scream at the TV. What do I do?
- Marleen in Springfield, VA

Marleen,
I completely get what you’re saying. Maybe your son is disappointed because somebody spent, like, a cubic assload of MONEY on GUYS that are supposed to, like, fucking PRODUCE and shit, and they just DONT, ya know, like, they just fucking take ADVANTAGE of a guys GENEROSITY and shit, YOU KNOW, AND LIKE, MAYBE SOMEBODY GETS SICK OF THINGS BEING REALLY SHITTY ALL THE TIME. AND LIKE, YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS TOLD ME YOU WERE GONNA GET WINS. AND WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING SPENIDNG ALL THIS MONEY ON GUYS WHEN THEY DONT PRODUCE, AND FUCK YOU GUYS ANYWAY, YOU KNOW?
So…uh…yeah…that’s probably what your son is thinking…
- Dan

Dear Dan,
I don’t have a question, I just wanted to congratulate you on all the improvements you’ve made with the team. The Redskins have never looked better!
- Vinny C. in Ashburn, VA

Vin,
Thanks, broski! I mean, I hear that kinda shit ALL THE TIME, but I’m always down to hear it again, dude!
- Dan

Dear Dan,
I’m the coach of a struggling pee-wee football team. I was wondering if you could offer some insight to help get us back on the winning track. It’s been about 8 years now, and we just can’t seem to pull off those big wins that all the parents want, and they’re starting to get belligerent. Thanks!
- “Hopeful” in Columbia Pike, MD

Broski,
This one is totally easy. Ok, first thing you do is check out your talent. Do ya got some solid talent that you can do without? Get rid of ‘em. You gotta get the big names, man. That’s what the people want! Ask around and find that perfect kid that everyone is talkin’ about and go get him. Then everyone will be all like “did you hear they got so-and-so, we should totally go to that game” and shit. And when you come pullin’ up to the field in your new ride and that “I know what’s up” swagger, they’ll all totally respect your authority.
Ok, then you gotta start chargin’ out the ASS for drinks and shit at the water cooler. They won’t say shit if it’s like, a nickel or something. AND THAT’S WHERE YOU GET ‘EM. Next week, it’s a dime…see where I’m goin’ with this, broski? Sure, they might be pissed AT FIRST…but once they get a peek at your fresh new watch and shit, I mean…it’s totally instant respect.
Now if you seriously wanna go balls to the wall and guarantee those W’s, you just gotta bring in in a Hall of Famer. Cause, like everyone loves him and they’ll all be totally stoked that he’s around. Now, this clown’s gonna try to give you some “how to build a team” noise or “how to recruit players” bullshit. Fuck all that. You don’t have to listen to a damn thing he says. It’s all P.R., baby! Seriously, you can ride that wave for at least 5 years. While they’re all too busy worshiping that fool, they won’t even notice that the water cooler visit is now a quarter!
Swear to god dude, it’s brilliant. Totally works for me.
- Dan

Dear Dan,
I drive a beat up old Porsche. It looks nice, but it has 300,000 miles on it, breaks down every week, and can’t go that fast anymore. Should I give it to charity?
- Deion S. in Dallas

Dude,
A Porsche? For realz?! I’ll give you $10 million for it.
- Dan

Dear Dan,
I don’t think you understood me. The Porsche WAS great. A long time ago. Now it’s worn down and rusty.
- Deion S. in Dallas

Dude,
You drive a hard bargain, man. I’ll give you $20 million for the Porsche. Porsches are sweeeeet.
- Dan

Dear Dan,
The Porsche is a piece of shit.
- Deion S. in Dallas

Dude,
$40 million. Final offer.
- Dan

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Buy The Team, Ronnie Mervis.

If you haven’t seen the new Petition for Mervis Diamonds to BUY THE REDSKINS, you should check it out HERE. (thanks to @eramseth for sending us the link)

So we thought…what would happen if Mervis bought the team?  I mean, besides raucous celebrating in the streets… So in the spirit of our first post, we submit to you “Buy The Team, Ronnie Mervis: The One-Liners.”

• because you’d bedazzle our jerseys.
• because we can’t wait to hear Portis singing the jingle in the new ads.
• because diamond miners are treated better than Redskins fans.
• because we can save on free agents with the new contractual “bling clause.”
• because “The Diamond Booth” sounds better than “The Popeye’s Chicken Broadcasting Booth.”
• because we could finally appease the Native Americans and change the name to The Washington Bling.
• because we’re pretty sure you wouldn’t micromanage. I mean… you don’t mine the diamonds, cut them, design a setting, place them and then tell customers which ring they can have…do you?
• because you know the difference between a flaw and a diamond in the rough.
• because nothing says “I Love You” like a burgundy diamond engagement ring.
• because you know how to buy direct. DADDY WANTS A $5 CHICKEN DINNER!
• because you understand the hard work it takes to get a ring.

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An Open Letter to Fans of the English Premier League

Dear Lads (or Blokes, or Geezers, or Yobs, or Whatever the Hell),

I would like to state unequivocally that like most of my countrymen, I know fuck all about your version of football. As you can probably tell by our performances in the World Cup, your national game just never caught on here.

But upon giving the state of your sport a passing glance, I am able to find certain similarities between our football and yours. For instance, in the rampaging dullard category, you guys have Milwall while we have Philadelphia and Oakland. Some things are just universal.

Just like you, we also have high ticket prices, overpriced food and drink, jerseys that were made by a kid who got paid a bowl of rice for his labors being sold for $100, and public funding schemes for new stadiums in order to pacify owners who have money literally falling out of every orifice in their corpulent white bodies. And like you, we are justifiably resentful of such things.

To be sure, there are teams who are at least providing a quality product on the field (or pitch, or whatever) both on your side of the pond and ours, which eases the pain of a watered down nine dollar beer somewhat. But for most real fans of the game, the football experience both here and in the UK is a long march of misery and failure, punctuated by minor ticks of misplaced joy. I’m sure that fans of Queens Park Rangers would have a great deal in common with fans of the Cleveland Browns, who are on occasion rewarded with a decent year, but for the most part are left to suffer the indignities of losing season after losing season.

A poor team is bad enough, but bad ownership and management makes the whole experience even worse. Stupid trades, coaches who couldn’t manage a successful bowel movement much less a football team, ridiculously overpaying unproven or past their prime talent, these are things that are not exclusive to either American or British football.

For instance, the team that I support is the Washington Redskins. (Yes, we know, it’s a racist name, but believe me when I tell you that the name is the least of the team’s problems.) The Redskins are currently owned by an incompetent, greedy, vindictive, awful little shit of a man named Dan Snyder. He bought the team for $800 million in 1999 after the death of Jack Kent Cooke, whose smart stewardship of the franchise led us to three separate NFL Championships from 1983 to 1991. The Skins have not even come close to that level of achievement since.

Dan Snyder bought a team with a fanatical built in fan base. Despite Washington’s reputation as a transitional city, the D.C. area is actually mostly populated by people who come from families who have lived here for multiple generations, myself included. And we live and die by this team. It wasn’t like Mr. Snyder had to engage in an uphill marketing battle to really sell Washington Redskins football. Heroin dealers have a rough time of it in comparison. The time spent on the waiting list for season tickets is about twenty years. It isn’t uncommon for new parents to put their infant’s name down on the season ticket list in the hopes that they will be able to afford them when their names finally get called. (This is actually becoming more and more unlikely.)

Upon buying the team, Mr. Snyder immediately began to treat this devoted fan base as if they were nothing more than dogshit with ATM cards. He jacked up the rates for everything, including parking, which is particularly bad because the stadium is hell and gone out in Prince George’s County and is mostly inaccessible by public transportation. Tailgating, a tradition as old as football itself, has been forcibly curtailed. The idea that people are eating their own food and drinking their own beer before entering the stadium is blasphemy to Dan Snyder, who would much rather squeeze nickels out of his devoted fans by forcing them to pay for poorly made $10 chicken tenders and hot dogs. It would not be absurd to imagine Mr. Snyder bottling his own knock off brand of Coca-Cola or brewing his own shitty beer in the basement of Fed Ex Field in order to maximize his profits.

He has plastered every available surface of the stadium with advertising. (Do bear in mind that when an American says that there is too much advertising, you better fucking BELIEVE that there is too much advertising.) Any stoppage in play is met with a series of adverts for cars, sodas, beers, mutual funds etc. Not on television, mind you, but on the twin giant HD television screens which dominate both sides of the stadium. The broadcasters deliver the game from “The Popeye’s Fried Chicken Broadcasting Booth.” (Seriously. They actually say this.) Time outs are referred to as “Jiffy Lube Time Outs.” There are barely any advertising free seconds of broadcast when you listen to the game on the radio.

As you probably know, the global economy is in a recession, but since Dan Snyder personally isn’t, he sees no reason why those who cannot afford their season tickets should not be taken to court in order to be made to pay up. A season ticket contract is an actual contract, after all, right?

So, in short, everything that you guys hate about America? The rip-offs, the principle of money over all, the idea that absolutely everything is for sale, the Cui Bono horse shit that makes us big and loud and blazing and fucking impossible to deal with at times? Dan Snyder embraces this sort of thing with a passion that is embarrassing to watch, and expensive to experience.

He also makes my beloved Redskins awful.

The traditional role of an owner in American football is probably the same as the proper role of an owner in British football. Be rich, shut the fuck up, look magnanimous, hire people who know what they are doing and write the necessary checks (or cheques, or whatever) needed to cover the costs. Dan Snyder does not do this. He is the only thing worse than a micromanager. He is an incompetent micromanager.

He meddles. He hires. He fires. He chooses the talent. He is hands on about every aspect of the running of the actual team, despite the fact that the closest he ever got to playing football was getting his ass kicked by the guys on the team at his high school. He also has the attention span of a nine year old that has put cocaine on his morning corn flakes, losing interest in coaches and players on which he has paid absurd amounts of money and jettisoning them when they fail to instantly turn things around. The Redskins now have such a horrible league wide reputation for front office meddling that no coach in his right mind would be willing to take the job. It’s the equivalent of a restaurant owner camping out in the kitchen during the dinner rush and second guessing the chef while he is trying to get the plates out the door.

The “General Manager” of the Washington Redskins is a “General Manager” in the sense that Elvis Presley’s karate instructor was “really teaching” the King how to be a black belt. Vinny Cerrato is a sycophantic, powerless yes man who does what he’s told. His is a job that could be done by quite literally anyone, from Lilly Allen to Flavor Flav, from Aaron Aaronnsen to Zoe Zayers. No skill, initiative or counsel is required. Just be an efficient bag man and you too could be the General Manager of the Washington Redskins.

And the play on the field reflects all this. To put it in terms that you might understand, if the National Football League used the practice of relegation, the Washington Redskins would be playing high school teams in Montgomery County by now.

So why am I troubling you about all this? Why would anyone in England give one tenth of one percent of one shit about some god awful American billionaire and his embarrassingly named team?

Head’s up, Nigel. This unbelievable dickhead is sniffing around your neck of the woods.

Two years ago he was creeping around London, trying to make a bid on Tottenham. And he won’t stop there. Believe me when I tell you, this guy is not Malcolm Glazer. Manchester United has apparently continued to be a good team despite Glazer buying the team. Dan Snyder is the reverse King Midas of sport. Everything he touches turns to shit. If he buys Aston Villa or Arsenal or Man City or Wolves or whoever the fuck, you can guarantee that overnight this guy will think he’s channeling Pele and will start making all the personnel decisions of the team to absolutely catastrophic effect.

There won’t just be advertising on the front of the jersey. Each individual ass cheek of the players’ shorts will be for sale, as will their socks, cleats and probably their jockstraps as well. Ticket prices will go up. EVERYTHING will go up. Beer, food, jerseys, whatever. That’s what he does. That’s WHO HE IS.

Dan Snyder is first and foremost a businessman, and in Washington, D.C. his business is peddling misery. We figured that maybe we should let you guys know before he starts exporting that product to you. Judging from the You Tube evidence, y’all are pretty good at rioting over there. That should come in handy in the event that this blight on the soul of my city buys one of your teams.

Best of luck, chaps. Just do remember that we tried to warn you.

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SNYDER SECRET POLICE WATCH [updated]

As we broke VIA TWITTER (@selltheteamdan) earlier, an article posted to Fox Sports hinting that former Broncos Coach Mike Shanahan is a “likely” replacement MID-SEASON for Jim Zorn has MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED.

It WAS available here.

In case you missed it, WE DIDN’T. Here’s a summary:

Snyder flew to Denver but swears it wasn’t to meet with Mike Shanahan, but sources in the organization say YES…and that the Skins will bring Shanahan in as an interim consultant while they fake interview other candidates to adhere to the NFL’s “Rooney Rule.”

Snyder’s Secret Police strike again?  Banned by Dan?  Welcome to the club, Fox Sports.

He looks nice next to that trophy…

And here’s a screenshot of our original Twitter post.

UPDATE: Via STTD fan and friend, @AFierro21, the ENTIRE article can be viewed HERE. Take THAT, Dan.

YET ANOTHER UPDATE: Dan Steinberg, local D.C. sports blogging GOD mentions STTD™ AGAIN HERE.

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Buy The Team, ____!

After the SELL THE TEAM DAN fun we had at the recent Skins-Buccs game, we began playing a new game…”Buy the team, ___”. For one-liners only. Here’s what we’ve come up with so far.  Feel free to submit your own one-liners to submit@selltheteamdan.com!

BUY THE TEAM,

• Andy Dick, because at least a gay cokehead is entertaining.
• Kanye West, because “Now, Imma let you finish here…but I just want to say that Dan Snyder is the worst team owner of all time.”
• Ted Turner, because for FedEx prices, my burger should be buffalo meat at least. Kangaroo? Unicorn? Something way fancier…
• Guy I met at the bar last night, because then I might actually call you.
• R. Kelly, because we hear you have an eye for young talent. No? How about Roman Polanski?  Too soon?
• Tom Cruise, so your bizarre alien gods can come down here and show us all how to run a football team properly.
• Adam Archuleta’s Mother, because even you knew we were paying too much for Adam Archuleta.
• First person I randomly select from the phonebook, because…how bad could it be? I mean, honestly…
• Lady Gaga, because your penis has to be bigger than Dan Snyder’s.
• Marion Barry, because at least you’re a literal crackhead and not a figurative one.
• Tim Tebow, because you’d do a better job with your concussion.
• Steve Spurrier, because at least you know how to give up and let someone who knows what he’s doing make the decisions.

Enjoy the laughs and submit your own to submit@selltheteamdan.com

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Welcome To SELL THE TEAM DAN™!

Let us clarify something. WE LOVE THE REDSKINS. Repeat. WE LOVE THE REDSKINS.

However, we think Dan Snyder is a blow hole who should stick to amusement parks.

You might have met our editor, Mayhem at the Skins-Buccs game.  If so, PLEASE submit your story, photo or death threats to: mayhem@selltheteamdan.com!

We’ll be updating the site regularly and changing format soon.  As our info box says, you can get information on buying your own SELL THE TEAM DAN™ shirt now!

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